Have you ever come through something hard, looked around and realized the battle was technically over, but you still smelled like smoke?
That has been me.
Recently I went to New Orleans expecting to pray, intercede, stand my post, and come home. I had the incredible privilege of being there during arguments before the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals in Louisiana v. FDA, a case involving the abortion pill and Danco Laboratories. I knew why I was going. I knew what I was standing for. What I didn’t fully understand was what I would be carrying when I came home.
I had every intention of getting right back behind the microphone and releasing part two of my testimony as I had originally planned before I went on mission. Instead, the Lord had me sitting still for a minute….Because I came home with some smoke on me. Not literal smoke, of course, but if you have ever walked through a real battle in your life, you probably know exactly what I mean.
Sometimes the fight is over before your heart realizes it. Sometimes you walk back into normal life and wonder why you don’t quite feel normal yet. Sometimes everybody around you is ready to move on while something inside of you is still trying to figure out what just happened.
I have watched versions of this up close for years. My husband served in Iraq, and more recently our son returned from his own time at war. Their stories belong to them, and I won’t tell those stories for them, but loving men who have returned from literal battle has taught me something I don’t think I fully understood before: coming home and feeling home are not always the same thing.
You don’t have to have stepped onto a military battlefield to understand that war is costly. Maybe your war happened inside your marriage. Maybe it was betrayal, grief, church hurt, ministry, family conflict, or a season when you were doing everything you could just to keep your head above water.
Maybe your battlefield was an abortion years ago. The day ended. You walked out. Life kept moving. Maybe nobody around you even knows there are still places inside of you carrying the smell of that smoke.
That is why this week’s episode is different.
This is not a polished message recorded after I had everything tied up with a pretty little bow. It is a raw look inside what it feels like when the battle is over, you are back home, and Jesus is still tending to some places in you.
I recorded it exactly one week after coming home from New Orleans.
I almost didn’t share it.
But I believe there is a woman listening who does not need another perfectly packaged Christian answer right now. She needs to know she is not the only one who has come through something and wondered why she still feels the effects of it.
I want you to hear it the way it came out that day.
If you have ever thought, I made it through, so why do I still feel like this? grab your coffee or your sweet tea and come sit with me on the porch swing.
This one is for you.
If abortion is part of your story and you know there are still places in your heart where shame, grief, or an old version of yourself keeps showing back up, I would love to talk with you. You can book a complimentary Identity Restoration Consultation here.
Come sit with me, sister.
We’re going to have a real conversation.
—Amy
